photoboothing at uni because i don’t give a fuck and life is 120% better than it was yesterday thanks to my new medication and an awesome tutor and the best friend in the world
appreciate all the little things you achieve when you are struggling. did your washing. cleaned your room. went to the doctor. filled your script. ate dinner. hugged your flatmate. went to bed on time. drank water. did another stupid day.
maybe it has something to do with the physical pain of being in my body and the emotional pain of having to be aware of my body in a new way
like realistically does anyone feel like their body is truly theres like does anyone ever look at their body and think ‘yes this is me and truly me and always has been always will be’
i can’t wait till my body is me and not a constantly morphing shape that goes from good to fine to not me to beautiful to awful
do u ever look at photos of urself and they just aren’t u at all they are just pictures of someone that u recognise
i am not going to do anything today apart from go to the doctors and i am not going to feel bad about it because i have a physical disability and i am doing the best i can and today that’s gonna be eating crying and going on the internet
lot of physical pain to day having a hard time staying upbeat
i got new meds tho
i got a lot of pain killers tho
so it okay
everyday i am anxious about my skin. i feel ugly and unloveable and that anyone who touches me hates it. i feel like people look at me and are disgusted/pity me/think that i am ugly. i am angry with my body and i am sad that i feel such resentment to it. i feel as if i would not ever have issues with body hate if my skin was better.
but i see my body as something that needs to be cared for and looked after. i see my body as something that has been afflicted with something terrible and does not need any more negativity from me. i try not to hurt myself more than i already do. i don’t alter my actions based on my skin because that would be giving into the feelings of pain and guilt and hate. i wear the clothing that reveals my skin, i still take boys home, i take selfies, i don’t apologise for what i am. i remind myself that i may have ugly skin but i am smart. i am be covered in scars but i am still funny. i may have scratched cuts into my cheeks but i still have killer hair.
everyday is very difficult for me and everyday is a struggle. i am in a lot of physical pain and my skin condition has given me insomnia and dermatillomania. everyday activities that other people take for granted are hugely painful exercises for me. but the main struggle is fighting the self hate and the anxiety and the depression and it is my main priority.
you are not your skin, you are not your body. your self worth is not determined by your physical condition. your body needs you to love it and it needs you to care for it. if we focus on this i believe that we will eventually start to not hate ourselves and be able to come to term with the way we are. ideally we will learn to love ourselves.
i am so sorry that you have to go through this and i am so, so sorry that your skin condition has bought you to hate yourself. please message me if you want to talk about it, on or off anon. you can add me on facebook if you like. love to you x